“Maybe if I share the path I walk then a little more of your pain will vanish. I want you to heal, whoever you are. I don't care what pain you've brought the world, I just want yours to subside. No matter what, your path is yours. Don't follow misery or worry. Devote every moment of your life to improving your dreams. Love your world. Cherish the good you do. Let go of hatred. Dream of love.” -unknown
For one reason or another I keep finding myself so entirely dizzy from all of the comings and goings lately its been entirely hard to take a breath of air. To sit and enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend, or to not have to think about whats next in the never ending list of things to do before tomorrow.
When my father passed away a few months ago, I said my goodbyes and to be entirely truthful haven't really dealt with much more then that. He was cremated, so the service was put on hold until family and friends could come to the memorial service during the summer.
In those rare moments when I did catch myself drifting off into thought, I would sometimes find myself thinking about my dad. It wasn't until recently when my mother and I were talking that she mentioned still having a voice mail on her phone from him, and broke down crying with want to just hear his voice again.
The realization of entirely how much I had avoided dealing with his loss is still settling in, but for the first time in what feels like forever I'm not pushing it aside to keep busy with something else until the memory has passed. Losing a parent is never an easy thing, especially when there were so many things left unsaid, so many plans yet to be fulfilled together. It can be so entirely easy to allow anger to consume the memory of someone, but when it comes down to it, for what ever the reason we have come or gone- whether it was from our own doing or gods- we all make mistakes. I think as children, its harder to come to terms with the idea that your parents aren't perfect, and even harder to accept they wont be around forever.
Its up to us to embrace the time we have with one another, and to strive to remember the good each person left behind. I am sorry my children will someday grow up never knowing their grandfather, but I know so much of him is in me, that they wont miss him too much. When I see him in pictures now I don't mind the stinging in my eyes, and when I hear his favorite songs on the radio I manage to smile and turn them up.
"Pain is only valuable, once you know what you have learned from it."